Some of you have been asking me what happened with the move at the beginning of the month.
I’m not going to lie. Despite the leaky toilet, the front door with an unfrosted porthole of glass, the wooden floor that bowed like an accordion and the threat of electrocution from almost every household implement in our old flat… It was weird packing our life away in boxes (yet again).
Moving day mainly involved a shitload of blood, sweat and tears. But mostly tears.
Needless to say it was stressful. In fact, I felt like I was going to have an aneurism at any point and I’m almost certain that by the end of the day one of my eyeballs was bulging out of its sockets slightly.
It didn’t help when things like this happened.
Come moving day I hadn’t even seen the new place yet and we would be living there in just a few hours! (Hows THAT for some serious trust in your boyfriend, ladies!)
Mr Maybe and I spent most of the day running around shoving stuff in boxes and bags, yelling:
Mr Maybe: “Why the fuck do we have to much STUFFF??!”
Me: “Idontknow!! Idontknow!!”
It was crazy. Mr Maybe hired a small white van but somehow our van turned out to be part-clown car. We just kept hurling stuff in there and it never quite looked full. Sofas disappeared, the bed melted into the background… you name it, the van absorbed it. I was expecting to find Narnia during the unloading process. And I don’t mind telling you – I was a little disappointed when I didn’t.
In hindsight we could have turned a pretty stressful situation into a positive – by turning it into a drinking game.
Anyone who says “FUCK!” – Take a drink
If someone stubs their toe – Take a drink
Debate how much longer / shorter / cheaper the commute will be? – Take a drink
Utter the words: “deal breaker” - Take a drink
Mention how sad it is not to have real wood floors? – Take a drink
Box too heavy? – Take a drink
Cant find the packing tape? – Take a drink
Phone Dies? – Take a drink
Notice / point out cracks or faults in the walls? – Take a drink
Loose something? – Take a drink
We could have had ENDLESS FUN if we had just had the forethought to pre-pack a bottle of tequila, a salt shaker and some lime wedges in the moving van.
Instead, we were wedged into the cown-van and left to scuttled up and down two flights of stairs with all our worldly possessions for the best part of a day. Which was obviously marvellous.
I also got a glimpse of our neighbours that fateful day. A little snippet into the future of life in the new building whether I wanted one or not – and it came in the form of Rose.
Rose had clearly been waiting on the other side of her door until the noise of boxes being moved and people tramping up and down the stairs had subsided to come out and intentionally “bump” into her new neighbours in order to introduce herself.
I wouldn’t have minded but I was juggling a large carton of broken down boxes and bubble wrap when she bared down upon me. Obviously I wanted to make a good impression upon the neighbours… but… I had shit to do! Couldnt I just pop over to introduce myself with a bunt cake when I wasnt pouring with sweat? Apparently not.
Rose was not budging.
Rose: “You must be the new tenant!”
Me: “Yes! Nice to meet you.”
Rose: “… How are you liking things so far?”
Me: “Oh just fine thank you. Early days but fine so far.”
*sweeping what she can see of our flat from the doorway and missing nothing*
Rose: “You’re lucky, they have given you a brand new carpet!”
*Looking down as if I have never noticed this before even though I’m standing on it*
Me: “Oh really?”
Rose: “Yes, the old tenants didn’t have a carpet at all!”
Me: “Oh, I see. Lucky us!”
Rose: “I suppose I can give you the ‘low-down’ on all the other tenants here couldn’t I? … Since were neighbours.”
*trying to make a joke of it because this was all getting a bit weird*
Me: “Yes I suppose you could.”
*suddenly very serious*
Rose: “There are two couples upstairs with children who run around all day. They have wooden floors and a crying baby…”
*my face starts to fall slightly*
“Your landlord lives just down the corridor (you’re so lucky to have him near by) – and then there’s me and on the other side of you there’s an accountant! Imagine!”
*she leans in conspiratorially*
“He’s gay you know…”
Me: “Oh… I see.”
*Rose coughs a little and looks shifty. She clearly wants to bring something up*
Rose: “Look, I don’t want to push. But I thought I would also mention that the walls are paper thin in this building.”
“I hear EVERYTHING…”
*EVEN BIGGER DRAMATIC PAUSE*
“Even at night”
*Pause a bit more in case I dont get that what she’s trying to say is “Please keep the shagging down”*
“So… if you are going to put your television anywhere please put it on the far wall that we don’t share.”
*awkward fixed smile on my face*
Me: “Okay, no problem.”
Since moving day I have neither seen nor heard Rose. Her flat is the one at the top of the stairs that we scuttle past for fear of awaking the Kraken within.
It’s all just too suspiciously quiet from number 11.
The lights are not on, no sound escapes from it. Its just … silent.
And to be honest, a part of me suspects she might be dead.