I don’t know about you, but (when in a relationship) the words “I have a female best friend” have the potential to strike fear into my heart. This is mostly due to bad personal experience. Mr Wrong had a tattooed, Russian “female best friend” that he ended up cheating on me with – even though he swore things were just platonic between them and she was “like a sister” to him.
Yea… Maybe if we were in redneck country and you were on the porch playing a banjo…
The point is Mr Maybe has a female best friend too (lets call her Gandalf for the sake of argument.) Almost two years into our relationship I still haven’t met Gandalf yet. To be honest I’m fine with this arrangement. I think it’s safe to say Crazy Russian Girl put me off meeting a boyfriends female friends for life.
The point is, while Mr Wrong couldn’t be trusted with your grandmother for fear of violating her, Mr Maybe is entirely trustworthy (except when it comes to cheese and crackers.)Trust doesn’t enter into it because it’s already there. I’m just not good with women and I don’t want to make a train wreck of meeting this one. Unfortunately Mr Maybe has suggested that it might be a good idea for us to all meet up “soon” so he can “finally make introductions.” I don’t like this idea. Like I said, women don’t bond well with me. I can shoot the breeze with a guy no problem but women are a lot more hard work. But that’s the great thing about friendship, participation is on a voluntary basis rather than a command performance. My choice is to simply opt out and avoid any unforseen drama.
I think it’s hard for Mr Maybe to believe that someone he is dating would be so okay with him having a female best friend without the urge to interrogate the woman in question with the help of a sharp implement… But getting him out of the house every now and again means I can use the bathroom for as long as I want without anyone judging me. Besides, it’s always a little awkward hanging out in a three – and believe me when I say you don’t want to feel like the third wheel when you’re hanging out with your own boyfriend.
However, in case there was any confusion regarding where the line in the sand should be drawn re: female best friends, I decided to make an easy-to-follow guide to appropriate / inappropriate behavior for the modern man.
Appropriate v’s Inappropriate
Laughter and merriment= good
Secret handholding / fondling = bad
Neutral group activities = good
Furtive rendezvous with petting = bad
Hanging out on the sofa watching TV like this = good
Hanging out on the sofa like this = bad
Chatting like this = Good
Lingering / flirtatious looks like this = bad
Hanging out at the flat = Good
Hanging out alone in a romantic setting all night = Bad
Dinner like this = Good
Dinner like this= Bad
Debating subjects like this = Good
Note: Men in relationships should also not do any of the following
- Mention said female best friends name over and over on a daily basis / turn every subject broached into a story about the female best friend
- Ask your girlfriend why she can’t be more like your female best friend
- Take furtive phone calls in the bathroom / other weird locations when speaking to the female best friend
- Start acting strangely around your mobile phone whenever the female best friend is sending messages to you
- Plan mini-breaks all alone with the female best friend
- Forget to call / text your girlfriend and spend most of your monthly contract allowance on your female best friend
- If your girlfriend is trying on clothes NEVER EVER say that your female best friend would look so much better in whatever the girlfriend is currently wearing
- You should not know your female best friends bra size
Here endeth the lesson.