Penis hat

I was trundling past a weird little street kiosk that sold birthday cards and random tourist items when I did a double take.

wpid-dsc_2059.jpg No… It couldn’t be… Could it?!

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There was a kids hat in what I assumed was supposed to be the form of a pig. But instead of giving the pig a short snout, they seemed to have given it a penis instead.

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I conferred with my friends on Facebook and thankfully they agreed that, yes. This “snout” did indeed look like a penis.

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Which was comforting.

Week 3 of my 12 week fitness challenge

Day 1 – Cardio Day

Today I did TaeBo. I was excited and scared at the same time, because this was the first time I had dusted off my old Tae Bo DVD’s during my 12 week challenge. I used to do TaeBo DVD’s all the time when I was uber fit in my late teens / early twenties. It’s no coincidence. These workout are insanely fun, hard to do and it feels like you burn a billion calories each workout. I love them. What I don’t love is the “Who’s yo Daddy, who’s yo Daddy, who’s yo Daddy?!” feeling the next day that causes fleeting concerns that you may have been run over by a bus during the night and just didn’t notice. However, the results I get are brilliant, so I might do a DVD each week as a workout substitute if I’m feeling too lazy to do my own cardio set.

I’ll probably take that back tomorrow though. It just depends how much post workout pain I’m in.

Day 2 – Arms Day

Arms day! Arms day! I’m loving arms day, because my little bingo-wing paunch is finally tightening up a bit. It might not look like it on the outside to the casual observer, but it sure as hell feels like it on the inside. I know I’m not supposed to see a real difference in myself until the end of week four – but I can tell that things are getting firmer and stronger on the inside already. It’s a good if weird feeling.

Day 3 – Rest Day

I think I should probably count today as weights and cardio because I was hauling a mini suitcase, guitar and handbag from my house to the office; followed this by running lots of errands for my boss for eight hours and then hauled arse yet again to Kings Cross in time to catch the train for my minibreak weekend visiting my parents. I got on the train, puffing and wheezing away to myself from the effort of negotiating my way through a human obstical course – and Mothership turns to me and says “Why don’t you look… dewey!” Which is Mothership for “What the hell happened to you? Do you need to breathe into a bag?!”

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Day 4 – Core and Arms

Today I did a split-set between my core and my arms. I used a pair of Motherships 3kg weights instead of my usual 5lb ones and went through my usual set for an hour and a half. I brought Mr Maybe’s resistance band with me to use for my workout and I felt amazing afterwards. I’m always a little wary of using resistance bands considering the amount of times I have accidentily hit myself in the face with one during a work out. But this time I managed to refrain from facial injury. Which was a distinct bonus.

I celebrated my success with a well earned bubble bath and a Moringa smoothie. I made this with Alpen, Moringa powder, chia seeds, dates and almond milk. It might sound gross, but it was pretty tasty!

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I wallowed in the tub with a Kaolin-mud face mask, Storm of Swords Game of Thrones book and my chilled smoothie until my toes got all wrinkley and Mothership banged on the door of the bathroom asking me if I was still alive in there.

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Ah, bliss!

Day 5 – Core and Arms

I did the same as yesturday today, focusing on arms and core using weights and the resistance band. I can feel a subtle ache from the previous workout. I never thought of myself as a masochist – but I have to say I like it.

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One obstical I am trying to overcome is that one of my arms has a bit of nerve damage in it (thanks to a school camping trip and a teacher who thought it would be funny to tighten the strap of my backpack until it partially cut off my circulation during a day-long hike in the peak district), so it’s a bit weaker than the other. I’ll need to work on this a bit more to make the strength in my arms even. I can do more reps with my “strong” arm but have to remember that I shouldn’t neglect my weaker one. I don’t want to look lopsided or anything. Because that would be weird.

Day 6 – Rest Day

Today I spent watching Pretty Little liars, resting and gorging on my latest installment of Game of thrones. And eating fruit salad. Which is a vital part of any rest day I hope you can agree. Mr Maybe said something surprising while taking a long sideways glance at me today. He said: “Babe, have your boobs gotten bigger?” I said I was pretty sure they hadn’t but he was adement. “No babe seriously. Your boobs look bigger! Maybe it’s because you’ve lost weight around your ribs?”
Hmm. I’m not sure if this is a weird side effect of toning up or all in my boyfriends head. But I spent the next half an hour staring at myself with one eye closed and my head cocked to one side.

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Day 7 – Legs Day (Run)

Today I’m going for my run. I’m really looking forward to this. Sort of. Since hayfever has been blinding me, it’s been difficult to negotiate a route that is beside a road without weaving into oncoming traffic by accident. So I have made the executive decision to ease off on the outside jaunts until I have my face a little more under control. Mr Maybe has taken pity on me and come home armed with bags of hayfever remedies and medication. Which I find quite romantic actually. Don’t say it with jewelry – when I’m miserable and suffering, say it with aloe balm tissues and non-drowsey antehystamine tablets! Ever since I have been using the nasal spray before bed I have been able to sleep much better. Which has made Mr Maybe incredibly happy because it means I’m no longer waking up multiple times during the night to blow my nose or whimper softly to myself.

This is why I love that man.

Week 2 of my 12 week fitness challenge

Day 1 – Cardio Day

Today I did my Core workout. It was pretty intense. All the scissor kicks, sit up variations, fire hydrants, planks and leg raises are kicking my arse. In a way it’s great because I can tell that my back and stomach are getting stronger from all the support I’m building. It’s just the effort that goes into a workout that floors me. I have a serious love / hate relationship going on. I love the smug feeling I get once I’ve done a workout but I hate the fact that I have to spend an hour headbutting my belly button to feel that way.

After any session I do I usually feel so pumped up on adrenaline and endorphins I feel like I could lift an armoured truck if I wanted to. This feeling is only temporary. When my body clocks on to the fact that there are no armoured trucks to lift I have a shower, put a nice pair of PJ’s and as soon as that happens there aint no way I’m doing anything other than sitting on the sofa, drinking a protein shake, watching Pretty Little Liars and having a nap until Mr Maybe comes home.

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Day 2 – Rest day and food porn

Today was rest day. I spent it watching movies with Mr Maybe and soaking in a bubble bath with a cheeky glass of red wine (I know! Naughty!) I feels like I only just had a rest day but I sorely needed to have a date night with my boyfriend that wasn’t precursored by a deeply unsexy hour or so of red-faced grunting, lifting weights or getting chased outside by an invisible doberman.

So, to make sure you remain entertained during this little intermission – I bent to nonexistant demand and finally made the slide show of the things I have been eating during my 12 week fitness challenge that nobody asked for.

If you are not a fan of food-porn then look away now.

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Day 3 – Legs Day

Today was legs day. Which obviously means that I will be unable to go to the toilet tomorrow without audibly whimpering in pain. But that’s fine. I need to get my legs into shape and it’s not like the excess fat is just going to leap off my body by itself. Attention must be paid.

Mini Maybe is at the flat at the moment. Which made slapping on the spandex and sumo squatting with a dumbbell really quite awkward. No kid should witness a potential stepmother getting butt-crack sweat. However I got through my hours workout like a champ… Despite Mini-Maybe asking “Does it hurt?” in sporadic intervals. This is because I look like I’m going to die when I work out. I’m reduced to a groaning shell of my former self.

I seriously don’t know how people get “hit on” at the gym. Talk about awkward. I can’t imagine anything worse than having someone ask me out while I’m dripping with sweat. I don’t look sexy while lifting weights. I look like I’m about to give birth through my butthole. But you know what? That’s because I’m pushing myself.

Day 4 – Rest Day – Heading off for a mini-break in Nottingham

Today is Rest Day. Mr Maybe has whisked me off to Nottingham to visit Mother Maybe for her birthday this weekend. I was both excited and nervous about this. Because while I had met Mr Maybe’s family before – this was a family event, which was totally different. Questions could be asked. I might be put on the spot about babies or marriage and be unable to use my boyfriend as a human shield. The upshot to the impending potential for desaster was that Mother Maybe is a huge dog lover – so if things went tits up I could drown myself in puppies for the duration of the weekend.

It started well though. Especially when Mr Maybe was forced to get in the boot / dog jail due to lack of space in the car.

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Day 5 – Cardio day (I go for a run with my adopted wold pack)

Today was Cardio Day. Mother Maybe was initially concerned her dogs might maul me on entering her house, as they “don’t do so well with strangers.” I was braced for some form of attack, trying to remember what to do if this sort of thing happened. Play dead? Yell? Climb a tree? No, wait that was bears wasn’t it?

However, apart from one minor headbutting incident – no snarls, barks or tooth bearing occoured.
So while Mother Maybe took the wolf pack for a walk, I forged ahead for a run with George.
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Isn’t he good looking?! Obviously he showed me up entirety and left me in the dust in a matter of seconds. But it was great to try and keep up with him. He bounced along with as much enthusiasm as a laker girl experiencing a sugar rush. And you know what? I’m not complaining. I just have to figure out how to smuggle him into my suitcase and take him home with me.

Day 6 – Rest – Sadly today I’m heading home from our mini break in Nottingham. It’s been relaxing (and itchy thanks to my hayfever) but I’ve loved it. Mr Maybe patted my arm and said “Well done.” Which kind if made me feel like a “best in show” ribbon-winner at crafts. But – meh, I guess I’ll take it.

 

Day 7 – Arms Day
Arms day today! I did my usual set using 5lb weights and felt amazing (if sweaty) afterwards. I was looking forward to making some progress with arms over the past two weeks and if youre very quiet, squint and look closely I think this may have happened.

 

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It’s only week two – but thankfully another 2lbs have been concored. Bring on week 2!

How to dry a towel.

There are some people out there that defy the laws of the universe. People who are incapable of doing the simplest things without the aid of a map, a step by step guide or some form of instructional video. People that are so infuriating with their lack of awareness that it makes you want to unleash your inner war cry and beat them with the nearest object. Like a stapler. Or a rock.

One thing that drives me crazy to the point of teeth gnashing is an improperly hung towel.

This might sound petty, but I experience cascading waves of multicoloured fury when a towel has gone from neatly hung and dry to USED AND LEFT RUMPLED ON THE FLOOR IN A DISCARDED LUMP OF SOUR-COTTON STINKINESS AND FAILURE.

Ahem.

I could deal with an improperly hung towel when they were left that way by my old housemates. I didn’t give a flying fart if their towels smelt like sour cream. They were fools to themselves. But since moving in with my magically delicious boyfriend Mr Maybe I have noticed that my very own boyfriend is similarly incapable of using a towel of any shape or size and returning it from whence it came neatly and considerately.

This is baffling. It’s baffling because in every other way he is entirely logical. How can he not understand that leaving a damp bath towel rumpled on the floor or thrown haphazardly over the towel rail will mean that the next time he comes to use it, it will probably still be damp and icky and smell like a recycling bin? I wouldn’t mind if this was the end of the matter. But rather than using his own stinky towel the next time he comes to have a shower – he uses my towel instead! My fresh-smelling, dry and fluffy towel. Which I will later discover thrown on the floor in a damp heap.

This is when I worry I may suffer an aneurism / stroke from the pure rage coursing through my body and be discovered dead in the bathroom a week later – next to a stinky towel. And then people will come to my funeral and gossip around the plate of cucumber sandwiches at the wake because I don’t know how to hang my towels properly. And I will flick rude hand gestures at the lot of them from the grave.

Mr Maybe adopts this whole hippy-dippy, hipster attitude when it comes to trying to reason with him about this issue. He gives me the “What does it matter?” / “It’s just a towel!” / “Did you not get enough hugs as a child?!” / “Don’t be so bourgeoise!” speech that makes me so mad that I start laughing. This is something I have inherited from Daddyo. I laugh when I’m furious – which makes it really hard to be taken seriously when you’re trying to argue your point, I can tell you.

So – just in case you are cohabiting with a spouse … or have just moved in with a partner and may be unaware of the havoc and stress your blithe towel attitude is wreaking in others who may or may not be suffering in silence… Pay close attention.

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Bad towel

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towel yes

Towels do not dry like this:

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This is how they start smelling like sour vagina and mould.

Drying it like this –

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is the correct way to hang a freaking towel.

Now you know.

Phantom tree v’s sanity

You know you’re a bit distracted by your job each morning when for the very first time you notice a tree you must have walked past for a whole year on the way home – and your immediate reaction is:
“Hey, when did they put that tree there?!”

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12 week Challenge – Day 9 – Rest Day and Food porn. You’re welcome.

Today was rest day. I spent it watching movies with Mr Maybe and soaking in a bubble bath with a cheeky glass of red wine (I know! Naughty!) I know it seems like I only just had a rest day but I sorely needed to have a date night with my boyfriend that wasn’t precursored by a deeply unsexy hour or so of red-faced grunting, lifting weights or getting chased outside by an invisible Doberman for an hour.
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IMG_7383What can I say. He makes me laugh.

As I’m having the night off – I thought that this might be the ideal time to give you an idea of how I have been eating during the first nine days or so of my 12 week fitness challenge and share a few sneak peaks at my easy to slap together dishes.

If you are not a fan of food-porn then look away now. I don’t want to violate your eyeballs.

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I hope this has given you a bit of inspiration for your own food!