I decided to post an FAQ. Because, why not?
To make it more interesting I decided to make it a fake FAQ of things that nobody actually asked me and you probably don’t give a shit about either.
So, let’s get this party started.
Q1. Okay, so – why did you start blogging?
Ans: Well, how sweet of you for asking! I started blogging because I had just suffered a bad breakup from Mr Wrong and needed to keep myself distracted from the gaping hole of misery and loneliness opening up in front of me. And it worked! I have since managed to negotiate myself into a somewhat functional relationship with Mr Maybe, front-runner for the title of “Mr Right” (an imaginary competition he is completely unaware he has been entered into so shhh okay you guys?)
Q2. Why did you call your blog ‘The Mottled Macaroon’?
Ans: The name I wanted was ‘The Mottled Oyster’ – but someone else had already snapped that up, so I went for the next best thing.
Q3. So – you work as a PA in London. Is that a glamorous job?
Ans: My working life is a never-ending pile of ‘to do’ lists, chores, typing and silent discos in the ladies toilet when things get a bit too much for me. It’s a lot of work. I was hoping my job would be something similar to Moneypenny from the Bond films. Consisting mainly of rolling my eyes at people while filing my nails and taking notes while looking effortlessly glamorous. Instead I’m pretty sure my fingers have gotten shorter from the amount of typing I do. I will be covering the highs and pitfalls of life as a PA / office monkey in an upcoming post. So keep on the lookout if you want an insight into the wonderful world of personal assistance. My advice? Don’t do it unless you hate yourself.
Q4. Sping, Summer, Autumn or Winter?
Ans: Autumn. I do not do well in the heat. I melt like the witch from ‘Wizard of Oz’ at the slightest whiff of it. Autumn is also an excellent excuse to cuddle up on the sofa with Mr Maybe with a bottle of wine and a blanket. Plus, there are HUGE piles of leaves to run through. Besides, my birthday is in November and Autumn means I’m one step closer to a day of being worshiped by my minions – and (most importantly) presents.
Q5. Best Macaroon?
Ans: Laduree- hands down. Specifically the rose Laduree macaroons. They are my version of crack. When someone offers me a macaroon and instead of the one I’m expecting I get the sort that resemble a chocolatey coconut cowpat I become very disappointed.
And when I say disappointed I of course mean violent.
Q6. Worst date?
Ans: There have been so many. Thankfully none of them with Mr Maybe. There was the time I was on a blind date, had arranged to meet the guy in the local Costa’s – but we both showed up at different locations in the same town centre. We both thought we had been stood up, only to eventually realise the mistake and have a good laugh about it later. At the emergency room. Because my date had recently had surgery on both of his knees and the incision had been infected. The first time I lay eyes on him he was sitting in a wheelchair wearing a superman t-shirt with swollen kneecaps.
I ended up dating him for three years.
Sadly, this is a true story.
Q7. Worst interview?
Ans: The time I was so panicked about getting a job I really wanted that I gave myself a migraine during the interview. I started slurring my words and ended up talking about Vogons in an addled attempt to try and appear normal. Which is when the migraine really kicked in, I missed my mouth with my glass of water and slopped it down my face and clothes.
In case you were wondering. I didn’t get the job.
Q8. What do you like to do to relax?
Ans: I have bubble baths, yell enthusiastically at the tv – and do a bit of target practice with my rifle.
But not all at the same time.
Q9. What was the last thing you purchased?
Ans: Twenty litres of multi-purpose descaler – and a MAC lipstick called ‘Hot Gossip.’ Make of that what you will.
Q10. Do you have any pets?
Ans: Yes, Mr Maybe.
Q11. If you had $10 million, would you still be working/going to school?
Ans: Are you insane? No! I would be drinking French Martini’s and burping happily through the rest of my life on a desert island.
Q12. What was your worst vacation experience?
Ans: Probably the time my family went to Portugal when I was eight. I got sand up my butthole when I was knocked over by a wave after Daddyo convinced me that the sea wasn’t in fact evil and I should venture forth into it without fear of being eaten alive by sharks. I emerged from the waves with the crotch of my swimming costume hanging down to my knees because it was filled with sand. It was swinging around like a saggy old testicle while I cried hysterically and clambered back to my parents. Mothership made me sunbathe face down and naked from the waist down, and to preserve my modesty she put a towel over my back / head. Then she fell asleep reading a book and later broke the news of my bottom-centralised sunburn to me the best way she knew how. With ice cream.
There was also an incident with some smuggled paella shells / gigantic ants that may or may not have been my fault.
Q13. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
Ans: Once. When Mr Maybe gave me a really thoughtful birthday present the first year we were together. It was one of the most embarrassing experiences of my life and to this day Mr Maybe still loves telling people that story.
Q14. Do you speak any other languages?
Ans: I’m fluent in sarcasm
Q15. Do you sing in the shower?
Ans: No, I spend my shower time wisely by winning pretend arguments
Q16. Do you drink coffee or tea?
Ans: I’m English. Obviously, tea. Great big pots of it.
Q17. Do you play video games?
Ans: I sometimes play Grand Theft Auto with Mr Maybe. I like driving motorbikes and Mini Coopers – Mr Maybe saves those bits for me but mostly that’s his thing. He gets plugged into the Matrix with his headset and a mountain of snacks and I leave him to it.
Q18. What is the best piece of advice you’ve received?
Ans: “Fuck ’em.”
“You can’t polish a turd”
I use a mixture of the two principles in my daily life.
Q19. What is your favorite food?
Ans: Sushi, and my parents cooking.
Q20. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Ans: Probably Raspberry Ripple. It used to be Gino Ginelli’s tutti frutti when I was little.
Q21. Are there any foods that you dislike or will not eat?
Ans: Yes. Halal, which is bullshit.
Q22. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
Ans: Other than London – Vancouver, hands down. They have great food, beautiful scenery and Micheal Buble. What more could you possibly want?!
Q23. What type of kid were you (e.g. spoiled, rebellious, well-behaved, quiet, obnoxious…)?
Ans: I was probably the weird kid. I insisted on wearing a pink rhinestone tiara and waving at people from the back seat of our family car, had an invisible friend who was a hit and run victim and my favorite thing to play with was a cardboard box. But I had to fight our cats for them.
Q24. What did you want to grow up to be when you were younger?
Ans: Paleontologist / writer. I used to run around wearing Daddyo’s fedora with a skipping rope curled at my hip while digging things up in the garden. I once found a cows skull in our paddock, washed it off and displayed it proudly on the kitchen table. Mothership was not best pleased
Q25. Why don’t you look like the cartoon you draw of yourself?
Ans: Because I had a bad haircut when I started cartooning myself and now I don’t.
Q26. What is your favorite Podcast?
Ans: The Chris Brake Show is a big favorite. Then there’s How stuff works , Stuff You Should Know, Freakanomics and TED Talks.
I also have a big soft spot for ‘Wait Wait, don’t tell me!’ and The Hollywood Rockin’ Wrap Up.
Q27. What are your favorite websites / blogs?
Ans: The Oatmeal, Jenna Marbles and Hyperbole and a Half.
Because, well… obviously.
Q28. Pet Peeves?
Ans: The sound people make when they eat bananas, people who say “Lol!” and anyone I don’t know or don’t even like touching me without a written invitation.
Q29. What’s the worst thing you ever did when you were pissed (drunk)
Ans: I pooped on my parents front lawn. Right in the centre. And vomited on the door step.
But my drink was spiked and I was delirious for most of that experience. However, it was a bit hard to explain the next morning.
So, there you have it! The Mottled Macaroon fake FAQ.
I’m bet you glad you asked me.