I’ve just entered my early thirties – and as a personal improvement project, I’m trying to stop worrying so much and to let things go more.
The first reason I find this so hard is that (as a PA) my working life is all about the smooth running of someone else’s. Worrying is part of my day. In fact, I am PAID to do it. As a result I am experiencing some form of work-related anxiety and ringtone-centric PTSD at all times. Because ANYTHING could go wrong at a moments notice and it is up to me to turn my bosses frown upside down.
Secondly I have a grumpy ‘Victor Meldrew‘ inner monologue going on at all times. So, on the outside I may be a vision of calm and serenity but on the inside I am raging about the inconsequential irritations encountered throughout my day. Like shop assistants who put my change on top of my receipt.
Third on the list are the few people in my life who know how to push my buttons and do so as regularly as possible. People who repeatedly burn their bridges… only to ask why I never visit. People who are neither good for me nor wish me well but still loiter in the peripherals of my existence under the guise of “friendship.” Basically the kind of people who have since been the subject of many a fake argument in the shower.
The fourth reason I am clearly a pent-up rage monkey is a complete and utter lack of time for myself. Call me crazy but I’m pretty sure I was put on this earth to do more than work, pay bills and die. I needed to relax and enjoy life. I also need to hit the pause button occasionally in order to have a restorative bath and a gigantic glass of wine. And maybe cry into a multi-pack of Kinder bars.
The more I thought about it, the more I knew something needed to be done and that nobody could do it but me.
SO with a new and shiny year approaching I have started taking baby steps in the direction of my quest for inner poise and personal growth.
- Ordered a Bonsai tree online
- Bought myself a yoga mat
- Amassed a treasure trove of positive affirmations and meditative whale noises to listen to on the tube
- Purchased some relaxation bath salts
- Decided to de-clutter and emotionally detox my life
- Downloaded the audio book ‘The life changing magic of not giving a fuck’
- Made the somewhat monumental decision that when it came to the situations or people who have caused me pain I was going to have to learn to accept the apology I never received and move on
Some of you might think “Big deal” when it comes to that last one – but it is really hard to do. Closure doesn’t cost much but occasionally you have to give it to yourself for your own mental well-being. Because I do NOT want to continue wallowing in emotional purgatory for the rest of my days like a weird, naughties version of Miss Havisham.
In the words of Baz Luhrmann:
“The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind.
The kind that blindsides you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday”
Never a truer word was spoken.
I’m not kidding myself here. This is going to be a long process and scented candles alone are not going to make a dent. But after that first forray into the world of self-improvement, I have earned myself a self-congratulatory pat of the back and a cup of tea to celebrate.