Team keeps telling me what a lovely day it is outside while I sit at my desk, inbox heaving
I can smell fresh air coming from a meeting room window kept ajar. It smells like freshly cut grass and broken dreams
Chased by a homeless man in the park today while nipping out for milk for the office
Evaded assailant but then tripped in LK Bennet kitten heels and bounced off a neighbouring holly bush
New temp started today. Had high hopes – but so far is unable to fathom how to work the phone without six page instructional guide. Jumps as if electrocuted when it rings, which is at least mildly entertaining.
Assigned another new team member today, bringing my total to 18… While my counterparts have four and six respectively.
Grossly unfair but also predictable as have survived all other six assistants over the past year and a half.
Late for work today.
When I managed to fight my way onto the train, I stood pinioned in place between stations and a sweaty armpit for ten minutes due to ‘signal failure’. Even if I wanted to smoke signal work to alert them to my predicament I am unable to.
Sadly can predict the conversation I will have on reaching the office:
Supervisor: “Why didn’t you call or email to say you were stuck on the underground?”
Me: “I tried, but as I was stuck underground, there was no signal”
Supervisor: “…then you should have sent a text”
Unsure if Supervisor knows how technology works
My bosses Aston Martin has been given a cammo paint job for the summer
This was apparently done intentionally and not by vandals
Supervisor called me at 10:00am on the first day of my holiday – on my personal phone.
After clearing her throat self importantly she said
“Why is your work phone off? Don’t think you can turn it off just because you are on holiday”
Returned to office after four glorious days of freedom to discover the following 608 emails in my inbox
Chased by same homeless man again. Decide to get milk delivered
Forced to attend a work drinks. Have bottom patted by senior executive and consume gratuitous amounts of French martinis as a result until the earliest possible moment I can leave
Woken unceremoniously at 05:00am Saturday morning by phone mid-notification seizure
Travel crisis. Manage to smuggle team member back into the country after hour-long negotiations with travel team and then collapse back into bed
Consider leaving passive aggressive instructional wall posters – but decide instead to increase cleaner visits due to team leaving dirty cups/ plates and discarded takeaway cartons all around (but not in) the empty bin and dishwasher during the day.
Had to skip lunch again so went to kitchen to refill on tea and inhale a snack bar when met by manorexic MD. He looked me up and down (while I stood, frozen, with snack bar in hand) and his eyes hovered nastily on my bottom before drawling “I wouldn’t do that”
One of my team casually mentioned I look tired and ill. Somehow resisted urge to staple him in the face
Arrive at work to discover new expenses strewn haphazardly all over my desk and my peace Lilly almost dead.
Repeat calming mantra to myself and consume caffeine
Great big blobs of my day are clearly being abducted by aliens
It was 09:00 five minutes ago – so how is it 16:30??
A team member walked up to my desk and abruptly dumped six months worth of expenses I have been chasing him for onto it. Apparently he is handing in his notice soon and ‘wants his money’ before he goes.
He says I have until Thursday to input them all.